Sexual Orientation vs. Sexual Activity

Many straight men are often confused about their sexual identity or orientation because they have some interest in exploring play with same-sex partners.  This happens more often now among men who identify themselves as submissive.  This phenomenon is very common in those who seek alternative sexuality in our Master/slave, BDSM, kink and fetish communities.

Those who do not understand why a straight sub is willing to surrender sexually to a Gay dominant or Master, do not understand the difference between sexual orientation and sexual activity.  And there is definitely a difference.

Some men don’t understand the difference and try to label themselves as “bi-curious” or interested in “forced bi” when in reality they are straight and just want to explore sexual activity or BDSM with a dominant man.

Sexual orientation is WHO you are, and that is defined by whom you are attracted to.  Straight guys are attracted to females.  Gay men are attracted to males.  Bisexual men are attracted to both.  Asexual men do not have any interest in sexual activity.

Sexual activity is whatever you do sexually and goes well beyond your sexual orientation.  Individuals can explore their sexuality with whomever they want and that does not affect their sexual orientation.

Research of ancient times and cultures indicates that sexual activity was very common with both opposite and same sex partners.  Similar evidence is also found for polyamory and polygamy.  Western civilization and Christianity are responsible for the labels of heterosexual and homosexual as well as monogamy and marriage.  This has created a sexual repression for many men and women, often making people feel miserable and sometimes causing them to satisfy their “forbidden” cravings and fantasies behind the backs of their spouses or partners.

Fortunately, this is changing in the new millennium and 21st century.  Young people, known as the millennials, are freer to explore their sexuality beyond their gender and their sexual orientation.  Many are adopting labels like pansexual, binary, gender fluid, heteroflexible and homoflexible, etc.   Millennials are opening themselves to all kinds of sexual experiences with a variety of different people.  

The walls of shame and embarrassment are coming down, and people are free to explore themselves.

Many straight young men reach out to me to explore their submission.  Their stories are different yet similar at the same time.  

Some of these young men are dominant with their girlfriends or wives, but want to explore their surrender with men, which they consider to be a powerful or strong experience.  I gather that some still have the cultural misconception of women being weak or that men should be dominant to their women.

Others have a strong desire to relinquish control and want to experience someone else taking control and “forcing” them to do sexual acts.  They crave bondage, spanking and other forms of BDSM, and they have an intense curiosity for experiencing the penis, to have one in their mouths or up their asses. 

I believe that a straight man having sex with another man, or surrendering in BDSM, are simply different forms of connecting with another human being.  Society tries to impose upon us that males should not have any physical contact with other males.  I believe there is a need for this connection.  This is one of the internal, powerful reasons straight men reach out for “gay” sex.

Others are afraid of “becoming” gay if they engage in sexual activity.  I always try to help them understand that they are attracted to females and only want to develop relationships with women.  They are straight, and nothing can change that.  Their desire for casual encounters with men is just an activity and does not necessarily reflect their sexual orientation.  One possible reason that straight men enjoy sex and BDSM with other men is that their encounters with men tends to be more erotic, kinky and different from their regular vanilla sex with their partners.

One issue that straight men face is the fear of sharing with their wives, partners or girlfriends.  Those who do are happy campers, as they don’t have to hide anything from their loved ones.  Those who don’t are miserable, as they have to be hiding in order to look for their sexual adventures online when their spouses are away and they find a good “excuse”.

When I meet single straight men, I advise them to take advantage of their status and to explore everything they want to experience:  men, threesomes, poly, kinks, fetishes, BDSM, domination, submission, Master, slave, swinging, etc.  Then figure out what of those things they want to continue doing the rest of their lives.  When they date, they can date girls they meet in the kink community or when they meet a supposedly vanilla girl, they should immediately let them know about their sexual interests.  If she agrees, bingo!  You are okay and can pursue them without hiding.  If she doesn’t agree, then she is not the girl they need, as such a relationship will force them to repress their alternative sexual desires or pursue them behind her back, and both options are a recipe for being miserable.

Repressing your sexual cravings, in this case when straight men desire to have sexual encounters with men, or to be submissive to a Master or dominant to a male slave, is never a good idea and can have devastating effects.  When individuals repress their sexual desires, cravings, fetishes or kinks, they don’t go away, they intensify the more they are repressed.  My experience has taught me that when straight men marry into a vanilla relationship and put aside their interest in kinks, submission, or sex with men, by the time they get into middle age, those cravings are more intense than ever and propel them to look and find ways to explore them.

Judgmental people like to put labels on people who may have sex with a person who does not match their sexual orientation.

But sex is not about labels.  A lot of men these days are more comfortable in their own skin and eager and willing to explore their sexuality with other men.  And it happens more often with submissive men.  Submissive straight men are no stranger to anal sex as the female mistresses use a strap-on to fuck them.  Because of their experience with anal sex, they are more comfortable trying the real deal.  

As a gay man, I have to tell my own story.  I have had sex with females many times in my life, but that has never “made” me straight.  Why do some think that if a straight male has sex with a gay man, that it will “make” them gay?

There is no question that bisexualism exists and is now stronger than ever.  But bisexualism means a person is comfortable with either gender and can develop relationships with either or both at the same time.  Most people have bisexual tendencies as Dr. Kinsey taught us in the fifties.  Sometimes when straight men begin to have encounters with other men, it can start a journey towards bisexualism.   That is fine as well.  The journey of each human being is different and for some, everything is clear in their teens.  For others, it is a lifelong journey figuring out where they belong and who they are.

In the world of psychology, repressing one’s desires for same-sex relationships or encounters, can lead to homophobia.  This has been proven with politicians and pastors, who are anti-gay, homophobic and against all kinds of sexual expressions.  They find themselves in a secret closet until they are caught and outed, as many have been in recent years.

In our dynamic, it is important to know the difference between our sexual orientation and our sexual activity.  Two different things for sure!  And for those who may not understand this, just respect the fact that each human being should be free to express himself (or herself) sexually in any way they desire.

© 2012-2018 by Master Taíno. Last revision 2016.  (Partial reproduction only allowed with previous permission of the author.)
The author is the founder of MTTA, Inc., a non-profit educational organization for the advancement of Master/slave relationships, Executive Producer of the Master/slave Conference and Director of the MTTA Academy.  His website is: