Sir, When You first told me to write about why i am slave, why i want to live as a slave, and about my feelings, expectations and fears, i thought it would be easy because i’ve wanted to share these feelings with someone who understands for so long. But it has turned out to be a slower and more difficult exercise than i thought for several reasons, Sir. First, i’ve kept these feelings about who and what i am inside for so long- first repressing, then ignoring, then fighting them, then accepting them but not acting on them- that they’ve become bottled and tangled up and very hard to express. And second, because i find myself tempted to write things that i think You want to hear. i have to stop and remind myself to be complete and honest and to write things that may make me uncomfortable.

The answer to why i want to be a slave is that i AM a slave, Sir, or at least have a slave heart and head. i just can’t keep fighting it anymore because that hole, that empty place in my chest/heart is not filled unless i am acting on my slavehood in some way, Sir. i once read on a website about how slaves feel a hole in themselves somewhere when they don’t act on their slavehood. That struck me so much because that’s how i’ve been feeling for about 16 years now and i don’t want to feel that way anymore. i’ve been fighting it and living in fear of being labeled for so long and i know now that i have to take control of my life by giving up control of it to a Master, which is what I now know i was born to do. 

Sir, there is nothing that i think about more- sometimes sexually, often times not- than serving another man and making his happiness and pleasure the most important thing in my life. Being owned by and taking care of a Master and, in turn, being protected and taken care of by Him, seems to me the only way of life that makes sense, at least compared to my life so far. Those feelings and thoughts never ever go away no matter how much i’ve tried to make them disappear.  i even went to a therapist about it once- not to be “cured”, but so that I could come to terms with it more and not be so afraid of it. i honestly don’t think i ever told him I wanted to be a slave, but he did make me feel better about things and gave me some courage to act on my feelings. 

And so, for the past few years, i’ve “played,” been part of scenes, gone to some clubs, bars and meetings- had some good experiences, some not-so-good, and some pretty bad ones- but was still too afraid and maybe even a little ashamed to take it any further, Sir. Afraid of what? Afraid of rejection by family and friends, afraid of being isolated and separated from society, afraid of being lonely (i’ve read over and over that Master/slave relationships don’t last), maybe afraid of being truly happy.  i’ve taken so many stops and starts, one minute thinking, “this is the only way i’ll ever be happy” and then an hour later thinking, “i can’t be a slave, i’ll be bored and miserable. People really don’t live like that.” i’m also afraid because i go through some periods (although they’re usually short) where my interest diminishes. i wonder if this will happen when and if I’m living as a slave. How will i react when i feel like doing something different than what Master orders me to do. Will i panic? Will i be really sad and lonely? Will i rebel?

Ashamed of what? Ashamed because i still sometimes wonder if I am a slave because i don’t want to face life or because i can’t handle it and want to be taken care of. i know that society forces those feelings on us, Sir, and that they aren’t true, but they are still hard to overcome.  

Now that i’ve written about the hard part, Sir, I’d like to write about the great part- the part that i feel will bring joy and satisfaction and peace of mind to my life when it finally happens. My version of what a slave is, in a way, kind of selfish, because even though it involves total service and submission to and ownership and control by a Master, it still is such because i feel it brings inner peace and contentment to the slave. About two years ago, i read the introduction to the Butchmann’s website about being a slave, part of which is on your website, Sir, and i cried (i know this sounds corny, Sir, but it’s true) because it totally explained my life and the feelings i had.  

i want to be make a Master happy by just being His property to use, teach, train, modify, guide, dominate, abuse, play with and protect. To make His life happier by giving myself over to Him all of the time no matter where i am, confident in the fact that He knows best and always has my best interest at heart. Keeping his home clean and organized, servicing His body, supporting Him the way a slave can by being there for him, loving Him and worshipping Him.  One of the reasons i’ve always liked your website, Sir, and why it was so great meeting you last year, and why i am applying to be Your slave, Sir, is Your philosophy about Masters and slaves. Not only are You a really hot brown-skinned Latin Leatherman who is older than i am, which is amazing, but i feel that you are a good, warm, caring man. Yes, Sir, i need to be collared and dominated, but i also need to be guided, taught and trained and made a better slave. Through that, i can reach my potential as a person. 

Sir, i’m also drawn to You because You have a leather family. The idea of a family is so appealing because it means not only would i share my life with my Master as his slave, but i could spend my life with other slaves- people who are like me. It’s been pretty lonely not having any slave friends or brothers, not being able to relate to people who have the same feelings. i need to find my Master, but i also need to find other slaves to share my experiences with. The friends i have now are great, but they aren’t slaves and they don’t understand. My best friend is supportive and knows about my slave heart, but he really can’t understand. i want to live a slave life with other people around me who understand. 

Almost two years ago, i met someone who really did understand at the Lure and He became a part-time Master to me. Even though He was even more confused than i was and, in some ways, even more of a novice, He understood me. Even though i got scared and rebelled against Him and my slavehood and even though He wasn’t in a position to take the relationship to the next level (nor was i ready), He did teach me a lot. i was able to take the first steps and really experience what it is like being a slave for more than a few hours. i spent some weekends as His slave, was collared for a while, got to experience IML (which i would never have gone to alone), and learned a lot about my limits and how to try to expand them.  i want to go to the next level now, that of being collared full-time.  i know and expect that it will be hard work but it’s a goal that i have to make happen for my own happiness, and more importantly, for His happiness. 

Sir, i’m really excited and grateful that You are giving me the opportunity to show you that i could be Your slave. i know that we might not click, or i may not have the right chemistry with neil, Your principal slave, and the rest of your family, or that circumstances could change, but i hope that no matter what happens, i can bring something to Your life and that this will be a learning and growing experience for me. i’m kind of proud of myself for taking the step of contacting You, Sir, because this is something i’ve needed to do for a long time . i have this feeling that what i’ve written isn’t really slave-like because it’s all about me, me, me, and that a slave doesn’t normally use the word “i” so much, but i just want to share with You a small piece of what i am to help You as you think about whether or not this is something that can work, Sir. 

slave chris