BDSM and Abuse

BDSM and Abuse

by Jack Rinella

I’ve changed his name to Andy in order to protect him. Protecting one another is an important part of being in the BDSM community. In fact, being active in a real time and place BDSM community is itself a form of protection.

We are, of course, not a single community so much as a community of communities that share our love and practice of kink -- even though our kinks vary as widely as our expressions of gender, sexuality, and organization. Some of us are Liberals, some Conservative; some Religious, some not; many are Heterosexual, some Gay, and most (whether they practice it or not) are Bisexual. Nevertheless most of us share a belief that what it is that we do needs to be (in some fashion) safe, sane, and consensual.

I trust my Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) friends will understand that I am not discounting their alternative expression of the fact that we do our best to avoid both injury and nonconsensual play.

The telling line in Andy’s email is this: “Jack, I can't see that BDSM is anything more than systematized, glorified child abuse in a different form.” Having given emphasis to his most important statement, let’s look at the heart of his communication to me: “I do know that I was an incest victim and it is the poor self-image, expectation of abuse, and generally victimized (plus craving more, because that's the dirty little secret of incest -- the sub always likes it) mindset that later led me to try and become slave.

“I did okay at being slave, Jack, except I kept expecting the Top to behave according to some kind of moral principles and none of the three men did so. In fact, that is exactly in keeping with the parental-abuser mode, since there isn't a parent in the world who does abuse his or her children and then thinks of ways to do it morally.

“Jack, I can't see that BDSM is anything more than systematized, glorified child abuse in a different form. Got any answers for me?”

Now I am certainly not one to avoid giving an answer. It should be obvious that I have an opinion on most everything. On the other hand I am not competent to advise Andy how to solve his problem. I am not a therapist and have no intention of becoming one. I already have a Masters degree and don’t want to spend another three years and more than $10,000 to get another one.

Whether we consider child abuse or domestic violence, we need to note the differences between those two evils and BDSM. For a proper delineation of those differences I refer you to http://www.nlaidvproject.us, a website of the National Leather Association’s Domestic Violence Project.

Domestic violence (DV) is not an easy topic with which to deal, in so far as it can bring up a lot of complicated emotions in all of us -- pain, shame, betrayal, guilt, or fear. But we need to understand and recognize the signs of abuse, the cycle of abuse (build-up, confrontation, and honeymoon), and know what resources are available to us. Anyone can be subject to abuse: a person's size, gender, or specific sex role (e.g. top/bottom, butch/femme) is irrelevant. Domestic Violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time.

Notice, then, some of the distinguishing marks of DV. It is nonconsensual. Cyclical occurrences of DV are followed by remorse, fear, shame, and a complete lack of the pleasure, comfort, and the satisfaction that a healthy SM scene will demonstrate. The abuser doesn’t negotiate, he or she intimidates.

What then can I tell Andy?

First off, I would talk about his self-image and the fact that healthy BDSM and healthy tops and bottoms (including healthy masters and slaves) recognize that we all have an obligation to support each other in developing and maintaining a healthy self-image. It is as simple as that. We need to actively give positive reinforcement that encourages all players to realize their high self-worth, no matter what their sexual preferences, proclivities, and fetishes.

I would also remind Andy that his self-image is exactly that, HIS self-image. If his motivation in being involved in a master/slave relationship is in fact based on a poor self-image, then he needs to know that that kind of relationship is not for him. BDSM is neither therapy nor escape nor abuse.

There certainly are survivors of child abuse and domestic violence in our midst, but the ones I’ve met are people who have come to healthy terms with their past and understand the difference between abuse and pleasurable, consensual SM.

Though some subs may like it, I am not sure I can agree with the assessment that they all share that “dirty little secret.” If one does feel that way it, that is definitely a good reason to seek competent counseling, as well as to exit the DV relationship. Unfortunately no one can pull anyone out of a relationship that they don’t want to end.

“Poor self-image, expectation of abuse, and generally victimized mindset” are never, either singly or jointly, valid reasons to seek slavery. There are, of course, good reason to submit to another, but they relate to personal empowerment, pleasure, and the desire to serve. Look at the real slaves in our midst and you will find healthy, happy, self-confident, and strong individuals committed to their masters in a healthy, happy, and positive relationship.

Andy, I am sorry that your expectations were never met by the masters whom you encountered. I can’t say why that is the case, as I know neither your expectations nor theirs, nor both sides of the story. I can say, though, that quite possibly you didn’t enter into the relationship with full disclosure on both sides, frankly stating your expectations, revealing your past, and acknowledging your need for release from the victimization and abuse of your childhood.

To be honest, I encounter men and women who seek slavery for the what appear to be the wrong reasons all the time. Like other healthy masters, I am rather quick to debunk their myths about what I can and can’t do and what I will and won’t do. Frankly I will correct every negative statement uttered by a submissive. I will remind them that they are good people, beautiful and capable. I will do my best to back my words with actions that support, encourage, and affirm their very high worth as humans.

I ask you not to judge all of us by the examples of those who are not what we aspire to be.

This email and these words bring to mind exactly why our individual communities are so very important. It is invariably the “lone ranger” who is the abuser and the victimizer. Our communities do not and will not condone abuse and violence and we are generally quick to aid those caught in its ugly cycles.

Once again, we are not the experts. I urge you to find a competent counselor and to learn how high a value you really have. Good luck. Feel free to contact me (and not just Andy but anyone) if I can be of help. I would also refer you to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). Their address is PO Box 161810, Austin, Texas 78716 and their website is at http://leatherviews.c.topica.com/maacWgBabciv9a8jInBbaeQBgk/